Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!