“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first