I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.