[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
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Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.