I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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3.
4.
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6.
7.
8.
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10. He is a cat.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
The fall of Netflix
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.