I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My new favorite headline
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
…..pretty much.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants