hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
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the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.