My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.