“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.