I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
You have been warned.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.