I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*