Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
You Might Also Like
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.