If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Admin smashed it 😂
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
God, I love Scotland
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”