[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
6: are snakes just neck?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Can’t, holding a grudge
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I hate when that happens.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.