Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
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[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.