My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
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Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.