you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Guantanamo Bae
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.