[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”