My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.