me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
nyc:
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.