How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
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Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…