Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
This fish is cracking me up
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo