Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
🤣🤣🤣
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”