i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar