People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
This a good idea
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food