lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.