If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Who chose this font
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables