It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.