Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying