I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
You Might Also Like
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER