got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I can’t wait!
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.