Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You Might Also Like
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
is this store having a stroke wtf
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.