Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
You Might Also Like
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates