I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
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I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol