Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Nothing.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My zodiac sign is pistachio
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.