I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.