[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I’m good, thanks.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.