Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!