WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you鈥檝e got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 馃き
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: It鈥檒l be nice to have a dog around, we won鈥檛 have to worry about intruders
My dog: It鈥檚 a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I鈥檒l be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I鈥檓 fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He鈥檚 taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??