How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
omg leave her alone
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.