Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
You Might Also Like
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human