Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Children of the corn 🌽
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity