I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
You Might Also Like
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
my one true gender
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!