What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice