My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets