Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
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The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.