I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still