black phone good
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Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit