I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery