SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Where’s my employee discount too?
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.